Building a Bond: The Art of Dating Someone with BPD

Dating someone with BPD or borderline personality disorder can be a unique challenge. The emotional changes the condition creates can make it one of the most exciting adventures of your life. Learning to understand them and communicate properly can lead to a long, healthy bond.

According to the World Health Organization, approximately one in seven people worldwide has a mental disorder. BPD may not be the most common, but it has a major impact on lives and relationships.

What BPD Is

BPD, or borderline personality disorder, causes severe and sudden mood swings. Sufferers tend to go from feeling incredibly happy to incredibly low.

Their self-image can also change quickly. They can go from thinking they’re the best person in the world to thinking they’re the worst, just as they do to others.

These changing moods can also cause impulsivity. They may even engage in self-destructive or impulsive behaviors, including self-harm.

Their thoughts tend to be black-and-white, where a person or event is either perfect or horrible. Which side it falls on can change throughout the day.

It all stems from a deep fear of abandonment that stems from what Psychology Today calls abandonment trauma. They’re constantly worried that one slip-up could cause their beloved to leave them.

While those with BPD tend to have a history of unstable relationships, it doesn’t mean they can’t be a loving partner.

Their behaviors also don’t mean they don’t care. Most of the time, they know their behavior is hurtful and wish they could stop.

BPD vs. Bipolar

Understanding the condition is crucial to dating someone with BPD. That also means knowing how it differs from other mental illnesses.

BPD is often compared to bipolar disorder. It’s even possible to have both diagnoses at the same time. According to the DSM-5 manual for mental illnesses, approximately 20% of those with BPD also have bipolar disorder.

They exhibit similar symptoms, and both can involve:

• Mood swings
• Impulsivity
• Self-harm
• Unstable relationships
• Fear of abandonment

However, they have several important differences. Bipolar disorder causes manic and depressive episodes of high and low moods. They last a specific amount of time. BPD doesn’t have these types of cycles. Its symptoms are also more chronic.

The fear of abandonment in BPD is much stronger. It also has unique symptoms such as:

• Chronic emptiness
• Self-image disturbance
• Paranoia

Benefits and Challenges of Dating with BPD

Dating someone with BPD is like being near a fire. It keeps you warm, but it’s also dangerous.

They tend to be smarter and more creative. That leads to more enriching experiences.

The intensity of their love can be wonderful. You’ll get grand gestures and passionate moments.

Their spontaneity can be fun. You may end up going on adventures you never dreamed of.

There are also challenges of dating with BPD. Periods of idealization and isolation can cause them to stick too close or pull too far away from you.

Their strong moods can also lead to conflict and instability. They may harm you or themselves.

What to Do When Dating Someone With BPD

When it comes to communication tips for BPD, remember to talk about the condition. Express how it’s making you feel.

On the other hand, it’s important not to only talk about it. Regular, meaningful communication about everything in life is key to emotional intimacy and building trust with BPD partners.

Neither partner should handle the complexities of the condition. Otherwise, they’ll get burnt out or resentful.

Make sure that you have help from the outside. Set up outside systems for emotional support in BPD dating. Look for help from:

• Friends
• Family
• Mental health professionals

What Are the Three C’s of BPD?

One of the best tips for managing BPD in relationships when you aren’t the partner with the condition is to remember the three C’s.

This mantra says, “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.” This keeps you from feeling too responsible for their struggles and allows you to build a real bond and not become codependent.

What Should You Not Do When Dating Someone with BPD?

Don’t make threats or ultimatums. There are only two likely responses. They’ll leave or make a drastic, temporary change to keep you from leaving them

Don’t enable your partner who has BPD by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. You can be there to help them, but they need to learn from failure.

You also don’t have to tolerate it when BPD symptoms stray into the realm of abusive behavior.

Frequently Asked Questions

Who Is the BPD “Favorite Person?”

The “favorite person” is their emotional anchor that they’re afraid to lose.

Signs of this dynamic include:

• Intense emotional focus
• Dependence
• Fear of abandonment
• Jealousy
• People-pleasing

Setting boundaries and managing triggers can help prevent it and get you through it.

What Triggers BPD Splitting?

BPD splitting is the black and white thinking phenomenon of going from seeing someone as “all good” to “all bad.” It often stems from a childhood where your emotions weren’t validated. It can also be caused by any situation where you don’t feel safe.

Common triggers include:

• Conflict
• Physical separation
• Trauma responses
• Stressful situations
• Emotional instability
• Sudden life changes
• Internalized failure

There are ways to help avoid splitting. Identifying triggers and journaling about them helps understand why it’s happening. Using coping skills and getting professional help lets you work through them.

How Long Does BPD Idealization Last?

BPD idealization is the initial stage of a relationship where they think their partner is the best person in the world. It lasts from a few weeks to three to six months on average.

It can then go from idealization to devaluation, where they think little of you.

Where to Go For Relationships With Mental Illnesses

Dating someone with BPD can be like a rollercoaster ride. Their thoughts and emotions are always either high in the sky or down on the ground. It’s a difficult but potentially rewarding experience.

Special Bridge is a social community designed for adults with disabilities. It supports meaningful friendships and relationships.

Our unique matching tools help you find others with similar interests or disabilities in your area. You can use private online messaging to let relationships grow at their own pace.

Join our community today.